100-S: How To Find The Love Of Your Life with Belah Rose

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If you’re single or married, I believe you’ll get a lot out of this episode! Though I’m specifically talking to singles, you’d be surprised what kind of insights are pertinent to you too.

How do you fall in love?
What should you do WAY before you ever meet someone?
How do you make changes that you desire?
How do you make sure you’ll be a good match for each other?
AND how do you find this person?

Soup to nuts, here is the mindset and practical how-to strategy to truly find the love of your life–for keeps.

All this and more are covered on my solo show today. It’s just you and me, helping you get to where you want to be!

Resources:

Falling In Love For All The Right Reasons – a book written by the brain behind eHarmony.com (an online dating website). The author is a Christian and a psychologist for 30 years so this book is all about his experience and study (though he doesn’t overtly talk from a Christian perspective).
Strength Finder 2.0 – a book that once you purchase gives you the link to a quiz that will change your life – professionally and in ministry. Find out your strengths.

Habit / Food books that have changed my life recently:

Better Than Before: What I Learned About Making and Breaking Habits–to Sleep More, Quit Sugar, Procrastinate Less, and Generally Build a Happier Life (my fav!)
Why We Get Fat: And What to Do About It
The Big Fat Surprise: Why Butter, Meat and Cheese Belong in a Healthy Diet
Making Habits, Breaking Habits: Why We Do Things, Why We Don’t, and How to Make Any Change Stick
The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business

More Resources Mentioned:

Overdrive – the app that links with your library card in order to download e-books and audiobooks on your phone. I LOVE this app (and the library!)
Meetup.com – a wonderful site that shows you hundreds of groups meeting in your are. Great for meeting someone with your interests.
Episode 92: Create Your Life Focus Together: Where I and a guest discuss goal setting, what has been vital in my marriage and life.
Surrendered Wife – a book helping me and my best friend learn how to stop being controlling (something I thought I didn’t help on, until I started reading this!) I already am seeing pretty amazing things in my marriage.
Surrendered Single – I haven’t read this yet, but if it’s anything like Surrendered Wife (which it is supposed to be just aimed at singles) it’ll be worth your time!

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General Script:

I’m going to give you the formula right here, right now
- I think you should get a pen & write this down
What do I think of single people?
- single people who want to be married
Why do I think I can help?
- track record
- my strengths
  - Futuristic
  - Activator
  - Strategic
  - Communication
  - Positivity
- my story with my husband
How do people fall in love?
- fall in love like it’s an accident
- I didn’t choose to fall in love with him/her
- well, what is that
  - chemistry
  - don’t necessarily need chemistry to stay in love
- philosophy on how we fall in lvoe
If it’s so easy, why isn’t everyone happily in love?
- because love is not really what we need
- you can fall in love with thousands probably millions of people, I think
- but you shouldn’t marry all of them
- The Bachelor
  - 50 women fall in love with 1 man…the studio picked that man
  - we choose love, long term
- arranged marraiges are often higher rates of happiness & lower rates of divorce
  - marriage isn’t about happiness, its not even about love;
  - its a function of productivity
    - a marriage fulfills the roles of healthy place to raise a family;
    - fulfills your needs for companionship, sexual fulfillment and a partner in this adventure called life
Truth is, I don’t want to help you find love (I lied in the title)
- I want to help you find marriage
- love can be cheap
- marriage is lifelong
Why do I want you to get married?
- well, you’re listening to this because you have a remote desire
- but I have a feeling that remote desire is taking up a WHOLE lot of your life
  - what you wear,
  - what you think when you look in the mirror
  - what you choose to do for work
  - what you do and think about during your 9-5
  - what you choose to do after work
  - what temptations you struggle with
  - where you spend your free time
  - what you spend your free time doing (advancing the kingdom; enriching your character; disciplining your mind & body towards God’s purposes) or (trying to look, act cute or desirable to another)
- I want you to get married so
  - you can stop burning with passion
  - you can have accountability for your God-given dreams (creating your life focus #92)
  - you can become totally vulnerable with a person who is just as messed up as you (all the episodes)
    - and that will make you both grow
  - you can grow the fruits of the spirit through use; through challenge; through trial and effort; just like a muscle grows because it is stretched/challenged/ripped…it then grows
    - and any married person can tell you, you have an opportunity to grow your character, every single day of marriage; every single day many times
  - you can focus
    - stop all that wondering if he’s into me;
    - assessing the attractiveness of movie stars and other complete nonsense that our culture is obsessed with
    - stop judging yourself according to how others act towards you… it matters less because you’re not looking for a spouse anymore…you’ve got yours
    - its easier to shield your eyes from temptation, because you’ve got yours at home
      - and you can bring an image of him to mind as you glance away from that magazine…imagine your hubby’s arms instead; imagine your favorite parts of him instead
  - you can heal
    - marriage is a place to heal
    - it can be
    - a place to share our wounds and have the trust that our hubby’s are going to hold our vulnerable hearts with care and love
      - I still find myself doubting that my husband wants to hear my heart
      - and then I ask him if he does and he responds with “I’m honored you trust me with your thoughts.” and I’m healed a little more.
  - you can take risks
    - I was helping my sister with a project for work
    - and I really encouraged her to find someone who she could practice her presentation in front of
      - and I repeatedly suggested her significant other
    - eventually it became apparent that it wouldn’t be a good situation
    - but every thing requires risk and your partner can help you walk through that risk; be vulnerable with your ideas; take a chance to change
    - change is scary and uncomfortable
      - but having a cheerleader beside you is a HUGE help
      - so, be a cheerleader to your spouse; because those first steps are never easy and your spouse deserves unusual encouragement & support
    - your marriages supplies safety that you can get no where else
    - I think about a safe place often
      - whenever anyone is sharing their vulnerability
      - I make it an absolute point to meet them there
        
        when I notice this is new, or scary or hard or intimate for them to share
        
        I try to meet them
        
        say “me too”
        
        I’ve been there too
        
        or yes I hear you
        
        or wow, you’re doing a phenomenal job
      - the moment of a person’s vulnerability is a powerful opportunity to add (or (severely detract) from any relationship
  - you can get better habits;
    - what you day-to-day matters more than herculean effort once in a while;
    - habits/routines make life sweet or out-of-control
    - you may laugh at me, but if you’ve listened to the podcast since the start of this year, you’ll know I really was purposed to get off the baby weight this year
      - well, this is what I did to motivate me
        
        facebook group
        
        strategy:
        
        read a lot of books (listen)
        
        habit books
        
        Power of Habit; Making Habits, Breaking Habits; Better Than Before (personal favorite);
        
        books about food:
        
        Why We Get Fat; Smart Fat; The Big Fat Surprise
        
        changed my eating completely
        
        established some daily habits that support my life
        
        books about worthwhile daily habits
        
        Miracle Morning
        
        kept being uncomfortably vulnerable
        
        my husband (Frst and foremost)
        
        to the fb group
        
        kept going
Marriage is…
- awesome/amazing/powerful…i could go on
- or its awful/dismal/distracting/painful…i could go on
What’s the difference?
- I can’t say for sure
- I think God wants marriage to be forever and so my whole podcast is packed with material to help you turn yours around
- But for those who are not married right now… here’s how I’d strongly suggest you move forward
- Determine what you want FIRST
Why do you need to determine who would be a good marriage partner before you even start dating?
- because its so easy to fall in love
- on the outset, before you’ve even met anyone you need to determine what matters most to you in a marriage partner
So… this is the process (full disclosure, adapted from Anthony Robbins, whom I really like)
- Write out what you can’t stand
- Write out what you must have
- Write out what changes you need to make to attract that person
  - you may want to revisit my section on how to change
  - the MOST important element of change is believing you CAN
    - thats why this podcast is ALL about stories
    - to show you how others have changed, responded to their circumstances and to give you hope and belief that YOU can too!
- Write out a strategy for how to find that person
  - a strategy
Accountability:
- After doing 100 episodes of DYM with longtime wives and marriage experts as well as writing my book; I know what makes marriage work, long term and I know what makes them fail (through research AND personal experience) so I have some insight into
  - but many of us need accountability
    - that’s why there are gyms, right? we could exercise in our house or outside and some can do that consistently
    - but many of us need the accountability and more one-on-one guidance
    - so if that’s you, we can go through this process together, and I’ll even keep you accountable for the first month of your journey on finding the love of your life
    - and I’ll give you direct feed back
  - I really like helping people change
    - but they have to be ready for that step
    - that’s why I gave you EVERYTHING in this podcast
    - but if you need that motivation
    - if you need someone to complement your strengths and make up for your lack, then I’m a willing support
    - I love helping people in this way specifically
      - because I can share how others have done it; what research says about your plan; how not to cross off the right guys prematurely
    - I want you to be married if thats what YOU want for you.